Opening statement of sorts
Apparently I’m supposed to take this and write about why I started this blog… I’m a stoner and my life’s a mess. I used to be into writing so I figured, why not put my time to good use? I’m going to post all of my thoughts here but I’m going to try to organize them. You’ll read a lot of crazy things, a lot of happy things and sad things. I hope you’re ready for this journey with me because I have no idea where we’re going.
At this current moment in time, I wish there was a magic cure for unnecessary anxiety. A little anxiety is okay when it’s natural and caused by something being off but, when there’s nothing going wrong anxiety shouldn’t happen. Dakota is taking me home today and I swear my anxiety is through the roof.
I’m worried that anything that could possibly go wrong is going to or something already has. Maybe he doesn’t want something serious anymore. Maybe I say I love you too much. Maybe I’ve invaded his space too much. So many maybes but I sound crazy so I’ll keep my mouth shut. I’ll just write it out in this blog. This blog that he’s the only person to have ever read a full post in.
Apparently this is going to be an anxiety ramble post because I can’t make the dumb voice shut up. I want to stay. He knows I want to stay but he’s taking me home anyway. This makes me wonder if I’ve done something wrong. Now I’ll go home to sit on a small bed in a small room with too many people and things and hold onto the hope that maybe Anxiety is wrong and I haven’t messed things up with the greatest man I’ve had in my life.
Lola started heat today. This is bad timing for me to go home. The dogs need to be watched because Lola is skittish and will probably snap and lash out at Howard if he tries to mount her and being that he is a male dog close to her size (regardless of the fact that he’s fixed), he probably will. Poor Lola. Poor Howard.
I just thought about the fact that there’s a huge chance he’s going to tell me tomorrow that he misses me and I’m going to be like well I didn’t want to go home it was your idea! Ugh. Emotions.
He feels like home. This is the conclusion I came to tonight. He’s sitting next to me sinking Rambling Man and playing on his guitar and I’m comfortable. Everywhere I go with him I feel at home. I’m addicted to the way he loves me.
Home is where the heart is right? Does that mean I gave him my heart already? Probably. I clicked with this handsome adorkable man so easily when we first talked and again when we actually met. I know that I’ve begun to give this man my heart and that scares the crap out of me.
Some reasons why I fell in love
I feel like writing about why I was thinking those three magical special words within a week and a half of hanging out with Dakota. The first thing was that he was respectful of my boundaries as I set them. The first night we met, he took my best friend and I to pismo with his friends/coworkers. There were multiple times throughout the night when things got very intense and heated between us creating an urge in me to have him. One of my rules is to not do anything more than heated petting on the first meeting to prevent me from feeling like a whore; Dakota respected that and teased me all night long. The sexual tension was growing quickly between us and all I wanted was to see him again so I could have him.
Something I should mention is that I’m most definitely a sex addict. If I could I’d probably masturbate every 10 minutes or so throughout the day. I would also gladly have sex morning, afternoon, and night every day. So me having the self control to not rip my own pants off for this respectful, adorkable, kind hearted man who was hitting all my spots just right was a strong feat. I did it though. I kept my pants on until our second time spending together, technically the fourth day in company of the other. It was well worth the wait and we tend to have sex 3 times every time we see each other.
The second reason is that he puts effort in to impress me and to make me happy. In today’s society, most men don’t want to put effort into wooing any women it’s just about getting laid as effortlessly as possible. Dakota, however, is different from the usual. I mean our first date was a trip to the beach where he saved me from a drunken older man hitting on me. The other day he’d promised to come see me and wasn’t. I was extremely disappointed so he gave money to his friend for gas to come get me; just to make me happy and see me. You can see he genuinely wants me to be happy. He’s always feeding me and making sure I eat taking me on adventures and getting me stoned out of my mind.
The third reason I was falling in love after 10 days was his heart. He’s got a kind heart. A wounded heart but, a very kind one nonetheless. I see the kind person I used to be in him. This man blows my mind sometimes with how much he allows to happen in my life because he just cares so much about the people involved. Sadly they see that and know that so they walk over him like a doormat. I get so angry when they do because they’re not appreciating him. It’s been 22 days since we first hung out and I’m always in awe of this man.
The fourth reason, is the look on his face when he sees me. He looks at me like I’m the prettiest girl that’s walked the earth. The look of pure infatuation that is falling for someone. He treats me like I’m the prettiest girl ever too even when I’m definitely not. His eyes sparkle and his smile travels to his sparkling eyes. He looks more relaxed now too. That look makes me feel great I hope it never fades.
There’s many many reasons I’ve fallen for him and i can go on and on and on about him but I’ll do that another time.
The story of why I became afraid of homeless men
It’s no longer February 12, 2018. This means it’s no longer the 4 year survival date of when I was raped by a homeless man I’d befriended. 4 years ago I became afraid of homeless people.
Don’t get me wrong, as far as rapes go, mine have been generally easy. That doesn’t take away from the fact that I was traumatized by them, though. This particular incident is a very sore spot for me because it destroyed a good relationship I was in at the time and I ended up engaged to a heroin addict all in a month. I’m getting ahead of myself though.
Let’s go back a bit. I started college in January of 2014 and joined the gym right down the street to have a close location to spend in between classes. In the parking lot of the gym was a Starbucks; Starbucks is a popular place for homeless people to stop for something warm or for water or WiFi. I spent a lot of time at that Starbucks and that gym when I wasn’t in class or with my boyfriend at the time, Myles. I met Ash there and his gorgeous huge dog Kota. Kota was an Alaskan husky mixed with two different types of wolves and the friendliest bugger you’d ever meet.
Because of the dog, I befriended Ash and started spending some time with him. Things with Myles were getting a little rocky due to me potentially getting more attention from the male population and so he was picky about what I could or couldn’t wear. I admit that I flirted with Ash because I enjoyed the attention but I never intended for things to go further. (I’m a sucker for blue eyes.) Everything was fine until 2 days before Valentine’s Day. 2 days before Valentine’s Day during my last break before my last class, I took the fateful walk with Ash and Kota that’s burned into my memory.
Leaving the Starbucks we turned left at the light, left at the next light, and walked down about a block until we got to a church on our left. Ash said he was hot and suggested sitting in the shade behind the church. Silly me, I obliged. He tied Kota to a post and started making moves on me. I entertained him at first but only because I have this problem of kissing people in pity; when his hands started to roam I started pulling away and telling him to stop. I tried to push him away as he climbed on top of me but for the life of me I couldn’t. Kota was going crazy trying to get free and save me. We both failed miserably at our mission. I eventually complied. I went numb and accepted my fate because I knew the less I fought the less I’d hurt.
Once he finished I got dressed and we walked back to the 7/11 on the corner where we parted ways so I could go to class. I cried walking to my class because of what had happened. I wished and wished I could make it disappear pretend it never happened maybe. So that’s what I tried to do; I tried to pretend it didn’t happen. I went to class and got through it, his disgusting semen slowly coming out of me. I tried and tried to pretend it didn’t happen, until I couldn’t sleep that night and told my best friend what had happened. He urged me to tell Myles who then urged me to call the police. The police showed up at my house to take me in for a rape kit and ask me questions.
Ash was never arrested or charged with rape, the DA never picked up my case. Because I gave in and there was surveillance footage, there was “insufficient evidence” and they dropped the case. The semem and the tears in my vagina weren’t enough evidence apparently. Myles couldn’t touch me for a long time after that. I started dating Derek the heroin smoker instead and got into a complicated love triangle to be addressed later.
Small piece of my stoned thoughts
When I’m stoned I think of my son and I miss him like hell. I start looking at old pictures and wish desperately that I could get up and go look in on his adorable little face. The pain I feel is one I couldn’t begin to describe. I’ve hurt and in a sense betrayed him because I can’t care for him. We’ll get to that eventually I promise.
I’m sitting on this bed with people my age and younger and honestly it’s so strange to me. I’ve never had a life so carefree as they do. All I’ve known is stress and worry. I envy them for not having a baby at 19. My prince is my miracle.
So I guess I’m going backwards on my life story right now. I matched with Dakota on tinder December 22, 2017. On Christmas Eve, I stopped talking to him for almost a month straight because he’d sent me a video on Snapchat on Christmas Eve when I had my prince throwing f-bombs into every other word. As I’d been very interested in him in the short amount of time I’d been talking to him, I was very disappointed to be opening a video inappropriate for two year old ears. Because of that video, I ceased all contact with him. I stopped replying on all social media accounts. That’s the back story to us.
January 12, 2018 (or something like that) he found me on more social media’s and messaged me everywhere saying he was in my town and wanted to see me. I decided to give him a second chance because it included food for my best friend and our mom. That night Q and I went with Dakota and his friends/coworkers to the beach for a brief overnight trip. On that trip, Dakota swooped in and stole some pieces of my heart.
After our trip, we started seeing each other more and more. Several nights spent in each other’s arms searching for completion in the other person. Hours upon hours of kisses, love making, snuggles, and talking. Within 2 weeks those 3 special words were tapping at my teeth begging to be freed. When I caught on that he was thinking it too I begged him to say it so I’d be okay saying it. Then he said it and I was so happy! (Our sex was great after that.)
It’s now been nearly a month and I’m still crazy about this guy. He’s younger than me but only by a few months which usually deters me. I’ve come to the conclusion that Dakota is different. I can only hope he’s different in a good way but if he is who he’s portrayed himself to be he’s a good guy that’s just not quite done growing up yet. Not that I can blame him most 21 year olds are much worse than he is. That’s Dakota.
Dakota is 5’10” with short strawberry blonde hair that’s kinda fuzzy looking but endearing. He has a bit of a mustache growing and he’s working on growing facial hair now that his ex is gone and I encourage him to do whatever he wants with himself. He’s got a bit of a “Dad bod” but I’ve never been the girl to date chiseled guys anyways. It’s not comfy to cuddle hard muscles. He’s covered in freckles, mostly on his cheeks and shoulders. His eyes are blue and they draw me in effortlessly. His lips are thin as most guys are, but mmm he sure can kiss my pants off.
A summary of the mess I call my life
As of today, I’m okay. I’m not doing good or great; I’m not doing terrible either. My life exploded again and I’m baffled at the aftermath.
I’ve lost custody of my son who is my reason to live, yet I met someone who’s helped me keep going (a male someone). I’m determined to become independent despite how tempting it is to rely on that man for everything.
My daily setting is a small bedroom in a 3 bedroom apartment. I share this room with my best friend, our mom, and our two pitbulls. We share this apartment with at least five other people who are all drug addicts. We do not know how to get ourselves out of here without accepting a hand with strings attached. I do not have a car and we live in the ghetto, so I’m home more often than not.
I’m back to being unemployed. I was working as a camgirl and may eventually continue, but the studio I was a part of shut down. Without the studio, I don’t have wifi or a laptop so I can’t cam.
My son (I call him my prince🤴🏼) lives with my parents. They’re being given legal guardianship over him because I obviously can’t take care of him. The only way to keep him out of foster care was this so I chose this.
I am not proud of my life in any way shape or form. In fact to be quite honest with you, my reader, I’m ashamed of my life. I’m ashamed of some of the things I’ve done in my life and I’m ashamed it’s come to this point. This blog is the raw truth of my world. I think I’m going to enjoy this journey.